Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
