Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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