I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Are we still banned from the library?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
