i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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