her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
