Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
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Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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