im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
