I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
