there's paper in my vomit.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
