the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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