She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
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I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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