New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I can't trust your balls anymore.