Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!