Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
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