Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
