i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
