I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
