woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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