his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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