Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
