so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
