oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
