i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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