Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
