im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
