Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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