Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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