We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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