I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this just has baby written all over it
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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