ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
