will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
