She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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