last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Im part way to drunk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
