I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
so much tequila, so little girl.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
