Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
