I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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