is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
did i walk over a car last night?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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