The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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