Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
