i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
