I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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