Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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