She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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