Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
