Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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