my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
worst night to have a conscience
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
