Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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