It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
