Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
