We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
