Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
