is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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