She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
