My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
