Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
