My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
