I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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