They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We are two peas in an std pod
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
