I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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