The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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